Trying to be the best parent possible is a challenge even in the best of times. It is even more complex during this pandemic. Aliza Pressman, PhD, co-Founding Director and Director of Clinical Programming for the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, shares information parents and guardians can use as they care for their children during the time of COVID-19.
How can I be a good parent at this time?
If you are worried you aren’t being the best parent possible, you should know that this is not the time to focus on trying to be the perfect parent. In fact, there’s never a right time because it simply isn’t possible. Besides, it’s important for kids to see that human beings are not perfect. That gives them permission to be imperfect too.
In addition, if you’re stressed and not taking care of yourself, that’s not good for anyone. As they say, you need to put your oxygen mask on first so you can take care of your little ones. In other words, it is important to alleviate some of your anxiety so that you can take the best possible care of your kids.
The news has me feeling tremendously anxious. How can I manage this?
We are in an unprecedented time. Feeling out of control or uncertain can lead to anxiety. Everyone is feeling this way now; you are not imaging your lack of control. It is important to realize that there is no way to get this 100 percent right. No matter how much time you spend reading articles and watching the news to try to make sense of what is going on, you won’t be able to.
The best thing you can do for yourself—and for your children—is to accept this and learn to tolerate the feeling of uncertainty. Focus on the things you can control, the problems you can solve. For instance, you can control washing your hands and teaching your children to wash their hands. You can control staying inside your home and maintaining social distance when you’re outside the home.
Do you have any tips to help me stop feeling so worried?
It is perfectly normal to worry right now. This pandemic is making all of us feel threatened. But remember, worrying about things you cannot do anything about will keep you from being able to take care of your family.
Try to find ways to release the underlying emotions, through activities such as meditation or gratitude practices. These approaches will get your nervous system into a state that allows you to alleviate some anxiety and think clearly. `Additionally, it can help to make anxiety a bit of a friend. Welcome that friend, and acknowledge that this is somebody who you’re going to be hanging out with for a while and you might as well get to know each other a little bit. Sometimes you are going to want your anxiety around, and other times you’re going to say you’d like to be left alone. One way to express this anxiety is by assigning different levels of stress a particular color, or a number from one to ten. This gives you a tangible way to acknowledge your anxiety level.
My child had a tantrum and I overreacted. How can I make things right?
Show some compassion for yourself. Forgive the hard moments where you overreact with your kids, have an outburst, or breakdown. And forgive your kids if they have an outburst or a breakdown. I’m not suggesting you do away with your boundaries or expectations for yourself or your children. But labeling those emotions, showing empathy and compassion, and then moving on is going to be a lot more helpful than expecting everything to go right all the time. This is a different kind of crisis. It’s going to be a marathon not a sprint. You need to brace yourself for a long haul.
This is a challenging time for all of us and there are certainly going to be parts of it that are unimaginably difficult. But when we have moments that are painful, we grow emotionally. And we come out the other side better able to adapt to difficult situations. Think of this challenge as an opportunity for you and your family to grow and adapt. Have the compassion to remember that this may not feel like a positive challenge, but it is necessary for growth.
Dr. Pressman is the host of parenting podcast Raising Good Humans. Recently, she and Mariel Benjamin, LCSW, from The Mount Sinai Parenting Center, answered questions from health care providers and staff on the front lines to help support their parenting curing COVID-19. Additionally, The Mount Sinai Parenting Center maintains a COVID-19 resources page for parents, caregivers, and health care workers.