Tips for Coping With Child Anxieties: For Back-to-School and Beyond
For many kids, the back-to-school season stirs up nervous feelings.
“It’s normal for anxiety to gear up before kids go back to school. Some are able to adapt, and that anxiety soon fades away. But others continue to experience heightened stress and worry,” says Saniya Tabani, PhD, Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at the Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai and a licensed clinical psychologist at The Mount Sinai Hospital.
Whether a child is experiencing short-term back-to-school jitters or something more long lasting, parents and caregivers can do a lot to support them.
“It’s common for kids and teens to experience anxiety. But we’ve also seen great strides in our understanding of anxiety, and there are resources in place to help them,” Dr. Tabani says.
Some nerves are normal when kids are starting a new school year, taking a big test, or trying out for a sports team. But anxiety can show up in different ways.
“There’s a spectrum of typical responses,” Dr. Tabani says. Those can range from healthier coping strategies—like eagerly laying out back-to-school outfit days in advance—to less-healthy strategies, like procrastinating on a summer reading assignment that’s due on the first day of school.
In general, there are two signs that suggest school-related anxiety might be cause for concern, Dr. Tabani says. The first is mood changes, such as increased worry, irritability, sadness, or withdrawing from social situations. The second is physical changes like headaches, upset stomach, or sleeping more or less than normal.
Saniya Tabani, PhD
“If you notice these types of symptoms, it’s a sign that the child’s anxiety is becoming more significant,” she says.
Anxiety can derail kids, interfering with their school success and social life. Yet anxiety is often predictable. By planning ahead, you can help your child work out what Dr. Tabani calls a “cope-ahead plan.”
The plan draws on a skill taught in dialectical behavior therapy, which teaches people how to increase their tolerance for distress. “It’s hard to think about how to react to a stressful situation when you’re in a tornado of emotions,” she explains.
By following these eight steps, caregivers can help kids and teens plan for the situations that make them worry.
Identify the challenge: What, specifically, is your child worried about? Are they concerned they won’t be liked by peers? Afraid they’ll get lost in their new school? Nervous about getting good grades in a tough course? “Have a conversation with your child or teen to better understand where their anxiety is coming from,” Dr. Tabani says.
Name emotions, thoughts, and actions: You’ve identified the challenging situation that makes your child feel anxious. Help them practice naming the specific emotions they may be feeling. Also guide them to identify worry thoughts connected to these feelings. Next, help them consider how their feelings about it and thoughts affect their behavior. If a child isn’t feeling smart enough for their honors class, what does that make them do? Do they not want to go to school? Avoid studying? Run to the bathroom if there’s a chance they might get called on?
Check facts: Nervous thoughts can quickly spiral. Stress about a test can turn into “I’m not smart enough for this class and if I don’t get an A I’ll never get into college.” Validate your child by acknowledging their fears, Dr. Tabani says. Then help them step back to consider whether the facts match their feelings, or if they might be falling into a “thinking trap” (a mistake in the way we think about things, such as assuming the worst-case scenario is also the most likely scenario). “Encourage them to look at whether their thoughts actually fit with the evidence,” she says. “Gently push back to help them see things rationally.”
Choose a coping strategy: “Different situations call for different ways of coping,” Dr. Tabani says. If a child gets anxious taking tests, for instance, they might try deep breathing exercises as the teacher hands out the exams. If a teen is worried about losing their temper or crying in public, they might work with a therapist to practice distress tolerance skills.
Imagine: The next step is to picture the stressful situation as vividly as possible. Help your child picture the situation in detail. Where are they sitting? Who is around them? How are they feeling? Then help them picture their coping strategy in action. If they’re concerned about getting teased by bullies, they can imagine how they’d look to a friend for support or turn to a trusted teacher. “Imagining a situation is a good way to work out the kinks,” she says.
Rehearse: Now it’s time to practice. Caregivers or friends can help a child act out the stressful situation and practice using their coping methods. Families can do this by helping the child visualize the situation or roleplaying at home. A parent can pretend to be a teacher or classmate, for example.
Envision coping with your biggest fear: While you don’t want to focus on the negative, it can be helpful to have a child rehearse how they might respond to their worst-case scenario. Chances are, their biggest fear won’t come to pass. And even if it does, they’ll feel more in control if they have imagined—and practiced—how they would respond.
Practice relaxation: Just imagining the things you’re afraid of can set your nerves on edge. As you work through these steps with your child, help them learn relaxation strategies like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or engaging in sensory exercises like smelling a calming scent or cuddling a pet or favorite plush. “When kids are feeling more relaxed about their fears and anxieties, these coping strategies feel more achievable,” Dr. Tabani says.
Parents and caregivers have an important role to play in helping kids learn to manage their anxiety. But you can’t solve all of their problems for them—nor should you try, Dr. Tabani says.
“It’s a delicate balance between providing structure and support, and not fragilizing children,” she says. That means you should help them develop a coping plan to manage their test anxiety—but you shouldn’t let them stay home from school on test day to avoid the stressful scenario altogether.
“Families may have the urge to treat kids as less capable of coping with these things than they actually are. Remember that kids today are incredibly smart and sophisticated—and resilient,” she says.
Still, many young people need support to put coping skills in place. If you notice that anxiety or depression is getting in the way of your child’s everyday activities, reach out to a mental health professional.
“They can tailor these coping strategies to a child’s individual needs,” Dr. Tabani says. “And if you notice any signs of self-harm or suicidal thoughts, or have any concerns about safety, refer to a mental health professional right away.”
